TROUBLE IN THE COMMUNAL LAUNDRY

Once upon a time there lived a man whose home was a supported living home. He had a carer coming to his flat every Friday, and it was her job to take the washing along to the laundry, but, instead of returning the tenant’s washing to his flat once all dry she left it in the washing machine in the communal laundry as it was still  all wet.

 

Very shortly the cleaner left, leaving the tenant all to himself to collect the washing from the laundry. He did, but, just as the man was about to take out the washing, one of the other tenants, Joe Townsend walked in and shoved the man.

 

“Oi! You, that’s my washing, so keep your grubby hands off my clothes”.

 

The man rushed along to the office and told a member of staff about Joe Townsend having a go at him for no other reason than trying to collect his clothes.

 

“Right I’m going to have a word with him.”

 

“But, wait a minute.”

 

“What had actually happened was that I opened up the washing machine not realizing that the clothes inside were someone else’s ,and they happened to belong to Joe Townsend.

 

“The carer, should have been here for your clothes ready to take them back to your flat, but she left.

MY FRIDGE, MY FRIDGE

Once upon a time as it happened a man in Flat E45 needed  a new fridge, and what happened was that, instead of a normal size fridge he received a fridge only one foot wide and one foot tall, in fact so small that he didn't have enough room for all the foods he needed.


"I can't have this fridge, it's too small said Simon Mash.

"That's all you'll get my boy said one of the staff. Don't forget that the fridge you're getting is ideally suited for one person, so you'll have to think of making a drastic cut in the number of foods you'll get when you go shopping.


"Can I have a second fridge because this fridge  ain't big enough said the tenant.


"No, you ain't getting any more fridges said the carer.


"But, Carer, I need another fridge said Simon Mash"


"You have what you're told to have said the carer, not the fridge of your choice."


Come Monday it was time for the tenant to go shopping, and when he tried to get all the foods that he wanted he was told to put them back otherwise he would have to put some of the stock in the cupboard, and what happens is that the food could all go bad all because there's not enough room in the fridge to house all this stock.

So Simon Mash ended up buying a limited supply of food in TESCO, not enough to sustain him for more than a day, never mind one week, and did he arf carry on all because of him having to gravely ration his food as he didn't have enough room in the fridge to house it all.

THE FISH THAT CAME BACK TO LIFE DURING FISH AND CHIPS

Once upon a time, down in the dining room, whilst I tucked into my fish and chips the fish came to life and tried to jump off the plate.
In fact, as I put a piece of fish into my mouth it started to wriggle and bit my tongue. Luckily I grew a new tongue as the fish started to eat my other tongue.
I spat the fish out of my mouth, but it just jumped up to my face and bit me. Other people also noticed something unusual about the fish coming back to life whilst being served. For instance, one resident started to scream as the fish served with the chips tried to eat the chips that were served with the fish. Not only that, the fish went mad and flew up to the resident's face and ate his nose.

The shop from where the fish and chips was bought from had an oven. Even there something went wrong. As the fish was being roasted it started to jump up and kicked the oven door open, desperate to escape the searing heat as it was being roasted. The fish went for the chef and bit him all over, just one more case of food going mad as it came from animals.

Even butchers weren't immune from fish and meat coming back to life.

In one butcher's shop a piece of steak attacked the butcher just as he was about to cut it up.  Armed with a broom he tried to fend the mad steak off, for the steak  went absolutely berserk and kept on biting the butcher. Pc Bighead came into the shop to see what it was all about, but, as he was about to investigate the steak suddenly devoured him, the first recorded case of a piece of meat suddenly turning into a man - eater.

After the steak ate the policeman it then turned on the butcher and made a meal of him.

THE DEATH OF ANN DROID

                

Ann Droid, the famous tablet computer girl has died; the cause of death:
"App failure.
Her heart just packed in because she couldn't  stand the strain of having too many apps in her body.
It was one of the dangerous downloads that killed Miss Ann Droid.
If she would have had an AVG injection she would have been alive today.

THE MICROWAVE THAT KEPT ON STOPPING

Once upon a time a whilst someone was cooking  in the microwave it kept on stopping and eventually died.

The tenant quickly took out the meal that he was going to cook, and good job he did for within five minutes of death the microwave started to decompose and let out a terrible stink, so powerful that it could be smelt everywhere in every flat in the supported living home.

People walking along the corridor dropped like flies because of the terrible pong that was coming from a rotting microwave in Flat aa.

One of the support workers had to burst into the flat and  was  quickly overcome by the terrible stink that was coming from a rotting microwave.

"Why don't you buy a new microwave Michael Cabbage, you made everyone ill in this block of flats all because of the deadly poison that was coming from that dead microwave of yours that is so badly decomposed."

The support worker had to cover her face with a hankie whilst inspecting the rotting microwave as it spewed out a deadly poison and loads of evil smelling liquid. She had to call the Grime Squad to come and take away the rotting dead microwave, which had to be burnt to stop deadly poison from a rotting dead microwave from engulfing the whole of London.

The flat had to be fumigated to kill off the poison gas that escaped from a  dead microwave oven that was rotting away.

Because microwaves are so expensive it was decided that Michael cabbage should grow himself a new microwave in the allotment. In fact he did, but , as he was about to pick up the microwave, the microwave went mad and bit him then went berserk. Two gardeners, Fred Wineglass and Geoff Bluebottle try to fight off the mad microwave with a rake. This led to a fight, with the microwave beating up the rake.
The rake flew at the microwave and jabbed it.
Blood poured out of the microwave and it had to be put down, leading to the rake being charged with murder. Immediately the police had to be called, but, as they tried to arrest the rake that murdered a microwave the rake flew  at one of the cops and knocked his head off. The head flew away and ended up in the Lord Nappy Pub in Green Lane, Goodmayes.
Regulars got the shock of their lives when they saw a human head on it's own without the rest of the body bursting into a pub.

The policeman whose head got knocked off by a mad rake had to find his head. Eventually he caught up with it when his colleague Daniel Blob found it inside the Lord Nappy pub.
The headless policeman walked into the pub giving everybody a fright for they had never  seen a headless man walking into a pub before.

The headless man did everything he could to fix his own head back onto his body, but, without luck, he just had to face the fact that he would have to spend the rest of his life without a head.

The Lord Nappy pub is a pub that was built with bricks made from horse manure. It is open every day except Starday.

THE DAY I WOKE UP WITH SOMEONE ELSE'S LEGS

One morning I woke up with legs that didn't belong to me. Someone must of burst into my flat in the middle of the night and stole my legs.
It happened whilst I was fast asleep, for the other tenant who lives here took off my legs, then his and swapped them over after bursting into my flat with a master key that he stole from the office. It only came to light when the support worker rang my flat and was shocked to find strange legs on my body as I was wearing shorts at the time.

"I know whose legs they are said the support worker, because I can recognize them by the fact that you don't have legs like that. For a start your legs aren't as big or as long as that.

I told the support worker that it happened last night whilst I was asleep, which meant that I would have been unaware of the theft of my own legs.
Some person must of burst into my own flat in the middle of the night and swapped his legs for mine.

"Right, 'I'm going to report it and have to call a meeting."

The support  worker did however notice that the master key was missing from the office and was thinking of calling the police, but that would be after the meeting.

At the meeting a lot of people came and were told that someone who lives here has been going around stealing other peoples' limbs and heads because for what I can see from here in this room are a few tenants who have the wrong heads.

The manager who was chairing the meeting did notice that a couple of men had women's heads fixed onto their necks, even one man with two noses. Because of this one tenant has had to go around complaining that someone has stolen her nose and has a hole where her nose should be.

The body stealing ruffian was amongst the people in the meeting.

"I'm afraid said the manager that I'm  going to have to call the police in order to track down the culprit who has been swapping over other peoples' limbs, noses and heads and transplanting them into the bodies of other tenants who live here, even transplanting the body parts that he stole onto his own body."

The police were called and with dogs tracked  down the culprit. It was Steven Outhouse. He was told to return the body parts he stole from other tenants and give them back to them.
It was he who stole the master key because he owned up.

In the end I got my own legs back and made my way back upstairs to my own flat, only to find that it had gone.
Steven Outhouse must have got hold of the flat and flushed it down the toilet, because he said so.

Staff broke into the toilet near the dining room and found it was blocked and overflowing. They pulled out the object that was blocking up the toilet and found that it was one of the flats in my own home; no wonder the toilet was blocked up because Steven Outhouse flushed it down the toilet whilst no one was looking. The police arrested him and took him to Goodmayes Hospital where he got sectioned.
In the end he had to be moved to a care home.

CHARGES THAT HAVE BEEN INTRODUCED FOR EVERYTHING AT A SUPPORTED LIVING HOME SOMEWHERE IN REDBRIDGE

Fees have been introduced at some supported living home in Redbridge. This mean's that from this day on people will have to pay a fee just to use the toilet, even their own toilet in their own flat.

It will cost £2 just to go into the dining room for fish and chips and 20p just for transferring them from the wrapping paper to your own plate.
Even to put vinegar on your chips will cost you something, about £1, and £3 just to put sauce on your fish and chips.

If you take too long to eat you will be charged £1 extra - a fee just for being too slow.

Another rule to be introduced is a time limit set for the time you have to eat your dinner. This mean's that you will have to finish your meal in five minutes; any longer and you have to pay an additional  fee of £1 for every extra five minutes added on top of how long it take's to eat.

Once you have eaten your lunch you will have to pay a fee of £2 just to go into the kitchen to do the washing up, and on top of that, a fee of £3 just to wash up your plates, cups, knives, forks and spoons. Once done you will return to your flat. Even that isn't free.

Just before you go into your flat you will have to pay an entrance fee of £4, just to enter your  own flat, and, if you want to use your own toilet in your own home you will have to pay an entrance fee of 50p. if you don't have the money I'm afraid  you'll have to use the kitchen as a toilet providing you have your own bowl , not such a good thing if you're cooking in the kitchen.

Even to enter the kitchen won't be entirely free, even to use it as a toilet, so the only answer is to install a toilet inside your own trousers, this way you won't have to pay just to use the toilet.

When it come's to cooking your own meal at home even that won't be entirely free and have to pay £5 just to make your own dinner in your own flat.

Of course to get to your own grub you have to open the fridge. For that you will be charged 5p every time you open the fridge.
Even to take out the cutlery from the drawer won't be entirely free for it will cost 1p.

Once you sit down at the table to have your meal you will have to pay a fee of £1 just to sit down at your own table in your own flat.

At night you have to go to bed; even that won't be free, for it will cost £3 just climb into a bed and another £3 just get out of bed, and 80p just to get dressed.

Before you leave home you will be charged an exit fee of £5, and an entrance fee of £5 when you return home, paying it just before you open the street door, and an additional fee just to empty rubbish in the bins outside.

"Fees for everything that exists, " what madness said Frank Bone, one of the tenants, how can I afford that?"

Because of the fees for everything some tenants have had to leave their flats and end up homeless so they could escape the cost of paying for everything that exists in the whole world.

Some tenants have found refuge up trees whilst others have ended up boring a hole inside a tree to use as their own home.
But' unbeknown to tenants  who have had to end up leaving home to escape the fees, those who live inside trees will be told to leave under a new law being introduced which will ban the use of trees as homes, meaning a prison sentence of six years for anyone caught living inside a tree. The same thing applies if you live on top of a tree. This cover's a maximum sentence of six years imprisonment. so, the only other option is to end up using a hole in the ground as a home. Even that will be banned under a new law.

As a last resort people who have left their home to escape having to pay fees for everything will have no other option than to sleep in the park, but have to leave at sunset and end up walking the streets and find a shelter in a parallel world - the world that exists in their mind.